Judgement

I was never really a social butterfly and this especially counts for highschool. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had my own personal ticks and didn’t hang around the big group of popular kids. In fact, I seemed to have always strived off of being different. 

This post is inspired by my now many tattoos, or in other words, my sleeve in progress. When I started this blog, I only had the one tattoo which was dedicated to my father. My entire arm is almost completely covered now. Since adding more ink to my body, I’ve noticed some things:

1. I’m more confident within myself. I feel that I can express myself without having to feel like screaming at other people. I personally believe that tattoos are a beautiful way of expressing one’s self. It is also a reminder and reflection of who I truly am. So yes, when I’m old and becoming senile, my tattoos will become wrinkly with me but will tell my story. 
2. I’ve gotten much support in doing what I love. Mostly everyone that I know has either complimented and/or genuinely expressed excitement for me. Many times I’ve already been asked about what my next tattoo plans are.
3. A certain few have proved to me that part of society still kinda sucks. I’ve been asked,”Why would you cover your arm in that?” or “You won’t even be able to see what the tattoo says.” (In regards to the lettering in my tattoos.) A couple has already told me that I’m going to Hell.  Not to be stereotypical, but these people have generally been older and without tattoos. I’d assume that they go to church on Sundays. I’m not personally religious. 

When thinking about myself now, as compared to just a couple of years ago, I’d have to say that I’m proud. See, what those people don’t know is that I was just born to have tattoos. Both of my parents have tattoos as does many more in my family. I waited years for these tattoos. To put this in a cheesy manner, they have already saved my life. 

This brings me to my next point. If I had just gotten out of high school, I’d be too afraid to have this much ink because of what other people might think. During those miserable adolescent years, I was afraid to be myself. I was afraid to wear certain clothes, speak at certain times, and ultimately: self expression. I was more worried about people respecting and accepting me rather than focusing on my own happiness. In the end, I got neither in those years. 

Now, I do understand that my personality and mental disorders play a role in all of this. Yes, I am clinically diagnosed to be obsessive at times or that I unintentionally pick at my own skin. I get triggered by the past very easily and I’m super depressed for half of the year. It certainly has taken much time and effort to manage these things, but it’s a part of who I am. Rather than calling things obsessive, I like to think of it as passionately interested. Yes I carry a pair of nail clippers around with me to control the skin picking. I do not hold things in when something is bugging me, even if it was something that happened over a decade ago. When the temperature is the coldest, and I’m at my lowest, I turn to things I love, such as writing. 

I’ve been self conscious of my mental health many times in the past but I refuse to let that bring me down. Unfortunately, what most people don’t realize, is that even though I have to live with these disorders for the rest of my life, it doesn’t mean that I’m any less of a person. In fact, I think it’s entirely the opposite way around. These sorts of things make people similar to me very unique. We all have our own strengths (disorders or not). It’s the socially awkward kids that write best selling novels and the science nerds that become doctors who find cures and the band geeks that later play for thousands while upstage.

From my current understanding, it’s the small minds that I was afraid of. They are constantly there and watching your every move like there’s no escape from it. It’s like they are too fixated on you, rather than their own business. I used to be afraid of not being respected and/or accepted by small minds. I don’t think I’ve seen too many of those kinds of people doing great and outstanding things.

I might have not been to every highschool party or kept up with the most popular or newest clothing trends, but I know that despite how hard some of those times have been, I never lost myself. In fact, I have about 19, almost 20, years worth of shit to write about that has been bottled up for so long.

If you don’t believe me, then let me tell you this. As a kid, instead of playing tag (most days) on the playground after school, I would collect notebooks and write (and illustrate) my own short stories. In middle school, I would download writing apps that would allow me to compose my own book, right off of my ipad. I would also write many letters to my father during that time. In highschool, I used writing as a coping method and outlet. Since then, it has become my ultimate passion.

In conclusion, I’m proud of myself for overcoming my fear of judgement and getting tattooed. Or starting my blog. Or talking about my mental health. So on and so forth. I’m not here to dis anyone rather than to support whoever needs that extra kick to get up and do something they love. Small minds will always be there anyways, so why not paint that picture or sing that song? For me, writing is right where it’s at. So I am planning for one hell of a story. If it weren’t for my fear of judgement, I would’ve opened up with my passions many moons ago.